This week marks the one-year anniversary of a very pivotal moment in my life. I’ve talked about that relationship and its breakup previously and I have nothing further to say on the matter. However, the year since that has been one of the most challenging years I can recall. It is that journey that I’d like to talk about today and hopefully some of the silver linings along the way will be of benefit to you as well.
Foundations of Stone
When I got out of that relationship I expected it to feel like the battle of Helm’s Deep, with that breakup coming like dawn in the east on the third day. Instead, to use another LOTR reference, it was like the weeks long descent into the depths of the earth, battling fire and darkness itself all the way down. I got out of the relationship and somehow things got worse. While things aren’t nearly as bad as they were at the beginning, I am continually baffled that the issue persists. This is especially confounding when I consider the fact that I haven’t had even the remotest contact with her in almost ten months. She is no longer the issue, but the environment she created still exists just like the one ring, tethering that defeated evil to life.
I don’t have anything to add or re-reflect on in regards to that relationship, but when making sense of my mental health over the past year it is impossible to ignore that for the keystone that it is and for that reason I’ve included it in the discussion here.
Mouse Ride
Mickey and Minnie’s Runaway Railway has undoubtedly had a profound impact on my life. I met Emberly there. I made great friendships and mentors there. The job itself is a fun location to work at. As a part timer, the ability to work it as a second location has allowed me to stay flexible while also financially stable. That said, it is arguably the most toxic work environment I’ve ever been a part of. I’m not writing to name names, nor should this be read as an indictment on everyone who works there. There are far more fantastic people there than there are hurtful ones, but the harmful ones still hurt none the less.
It is a work location that has offered a lot of frankly vile people a front row seat to watch some of the most painful events of my life. It is a location that I walk into where people smile through their teeth at me and then give me the finger the moment I walk out the door. It is a place where people will happily kiss you on the cheek while patting the 30 pieces of silver in their pocket. It is both frustrating and continually heartbreaking to watch people who call themselves friends, who’ve been invited into my house even, call me names and get their kicks at my expense.
Nothing Can Stop Us Now
What makes this such a struggle is that none of it is done openly. The fake smiles hurt. It is a constant turmoil to hear who isn’t really your friend, who you’ve trusted poorly, and who’s getting their laugh at your expense today. No one is walking up and telling me they don’t like me, they greet me with a grin and then spit on me when I walk passed. Even during a three month stretch when I didn’t pick-up there, still I was getting “they’re talking about you again.” texts. There’s a guy who I haven’t spoken to in nearly a year who still subtweets me once a week to this day. These aren’t even subtweets about me, they’re literally just troll-y replies to things I tweet. It’s just an avalanche of unbelievable vitriol that doesn’t seem to have a purpose other than to prove the darkness of the human heart. I find myself wondering what will finally break the tumultuous tumbling of ice and rock if ever it breaks at all.
This is especially funny to me because the person in that location who has the most reason to dislike me doesn’t give me that kind of flack. It feels like the person who should be entitled to hate me gives me more cordiality than people who call themselves friend. Despite our personal disdain for each other, I know that at least if I work around her it’ll be a peaceable awkward silence. It is an incredibly confuddling and draining environment to be in.
Space Ride
At this point you’re probably wondering, “Collin, why don’t you just pick up only at the other location?”. That’s a great question and it’s one I’ve asked myself repeatedly. However, Space Ride comes with its own set of complications. I love my fellow cast members there. I have made so many great friends and memories with my fellow smugglers and if you’re a smuggler who’s reading this, thank you for that. You have made more of a difference with your kindness and kinship than you’ll ever know.
That said, that is an incredibly anxiety inducing place to work. The nature of the operation is high stress just because of the way it is designed to be run. It also does not have the same degree of support and leadership as I find at my old location. I find myself constantly stuck between a location where I feel despised by my coworkers but seen and supported by leadership or a location where leadership isn’t bothered to learn my name and the job itself spikes my anxiety but at least I know where I stand with everyone else. It is stuck between this unstoppable force and this unmovable object that I find myself just being ground down.
Golluming
There are days where I feel extremely “thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread”. There are aspects of my job that I love, specifically when I get to do tours of Hollywood Studios or behind the scenes onboard the Falcon, but the other 85% of the time I feel like I’m being forced to choose between death by a thousand cuts or death by a thousand stings.
I never really struggled with anxiety before this past year. Fortunately, it has been nearly a year since I’ve had a full on anxiety attack but I can feel the toll that general anxiety takes on me. I’m more irritable than I used to be, less enthusiastic about my work, and frankly struggling to put on that Disney smile every morning. I don’t like that version of myself, and I don’t like the days where I rasp along as more of a Gollum than a Smeagol. It’s a hard thing for me to talk about because I feel like I’m supposed to be better than that. I didn’t struggle with it before, so what right do I have to succumb to it now? It’s a stupid argument, I know, but one I find myself wrestling with constantly.
Deadlines
I recently discovered that I’ll be losing my proficiencies at Runaway Railway because I’ve been statused elsewhere for too long. Admittedly this is a sad realization. Despite the hurt and the downs there have been a lot of ups and happy moments there. Yet I think this is a good thing in its own right. I keep showing up there expecting a situation I’ve never had control over to improve. While I’ll remain without a hand on the wheel, I’m no longer able to enter the vehicle whether it crashes or not. A place of hurt is being locked up and soon I’ll no longer be able to subject myself to its influence to the same degree.
The flip side is that now my only option will be the one that drives my anxiety up a wall. No matter how great the cast environment is, the demands of the job hurt my brain. Fortunately I’ve had more opportunities open up to take me out of the positions that trigger my anxiety, however they are only temporary cures and only half-cures at that. The core role is the same and undoubtedly its detrimental impacts will continue despite the occasional relief.
Reactive
I’ve found my hand being forced a lot this past year. I’m not a reactive player nor an impulsive one. I’m a planner and this past year I’ve found a lot of my plans fizzling like an ACME dynamite kit. The things I thought I would do, the jobs I thought I would have, the friendships I thought I would maintain have not worked out. Instead I’ve found myself scrambling between the rocks and the hard places and reaching plateaus I did not anticipate. But those plateaus have had their own advantages too. It’s much easier to see the mountains beyond and the valleys behind from above the crevice than it is to see them from between it.
With my time at Railway coming to an end, my time at Smuggler’s evolving, and potential other opportunities starting to dot the horizon, I know that things will undoubtedly be different. This probably won’t hinder the gossip or the subtweets but it’ll hinder my ability to be impacted by them. I’m hopeful that a better work environment will help me better manage my anxiety and fully break with the pangs of the past year.
Gratefulness
Because this has been a dour post, I’d like to end it on a brighter note. I do not want to leave gratefulness unsaid, for there are many people and things in my life that have helped make these issues mentionable and therefore manageable.
I’m grateful for my family who has always been cheering even when I’m not paying attention to the stands. I’m thankful for the friends I’ve made down here, both at Railway and at Smugglers. I’m especially grateful to my fellow cast at Smuggler’s Run for giving me a home when I most needed one. I’m grateful for my friends back in Kansas and beyond. Last weekend I got to see a lot of them at a wedding in Colorado and that was the soul boost I didn’t know I needed. I’m grateful for the Church At South Lake for becoming my church home during this time and helping me connect deeper with the faith that gives me the strength to get through this. Lastly, but far from least, I’m thankful for Emberly and to the degree she goes above and beyond in being my partner and best friend.
Collin Willis 