Collin Willis

I’m fortunate in life in the sense that I’ve never had any physical addictions. Aside from the 23 Flavors that combine to form Dr. Pepper, there are no physical substances that I’ve ever found myself struggling to live without. However, that does not free me from mental bondage, primarily that of social media. It’s a problem I’ve had for as long as I’ve had social media.

Taking Hold

When I was in middle school and I first got a Facebook account at the ripe age of thirteen, I was at a time in my life when I didn’t have many friends. My previous best friend had just moved away and my next best friend wasn’t to arrive at my school for nearly a year. So, when the weekend or the summer came, my routine was pretty simple; I’d pop open the laptop I got from my grandma on the couch next to me while I played video games. In between cutscenes and PS2 load screens I’d aimlessly refresh Facebook. Had I been wise enough to notice it at the time, I would have been afraid of that kind of addiction.

As I got older, I became more sociable and generally busier and the problem subsided. However, once Twitter hit my iPod in 2012, I began to slip back into that tantalizing pattern of refresh and scroll whenever I had the slightest amount of free time. At times in my high school and college life when things have gotten rougher or less comfortable, the more time I’ve wasted on social media. It comes and goes in waves and I’ve taken minimal steps to truly curb it other than spur of the moment decisions to close the apps and do something productive.

However, at the start of the New Year I decided to do something I’d never done before, take a cleanse month.

Withdrawal Symptoms

So, on January 2nd I logged out of all of my social media apps. I lasted about a day before I found myself logging in and aimlessly scrolling at trailing screens and updated stories. So I took it a step further and deleted all of the associated apps, besides those I needed to stay logged into for MovieBabble, and removed their presence from my phone entirely.

For the next three days I’d find myself pulling out my phone and tapping the space where the icons used to be. There wasn’t any thought about it, it was a reflex; almost as if there was an invisible force calling me to glaze my eyes over the digital screen.

There was also a lot of fear of missing out and fear of being left out of some imagined loop, like there was going to be a major announcement in people’s lives and I’d be the only one who wouldn’t know about it right away. Or that there would be an inside joke that I would now be outside of. Or I’d miss plans that could have been really fun because I didn’t see something in time.

Of course, a lot of this was unfounded. The people who’s lives I’m really invested in were still a huge part of my month even if I wasn’t constantly aware of everything they were posting. In fact, I found myself undergoing quite the opposite of a disconnect.

Being Present

The first time I physically hung out with friends without any social media accessible on my phone I found myself much more present. It’s not that I usually zone out and browse Twitter when I’m within a group, but even holding a simple snap conversation can be infinitely distracting from the act of just being with other people.

It was here that withdrawal symptoms though I had and disliked, I felt affirmed in my decision making. This was going to be a good process for me to go through. As the week progressed, I found this idea of being present true even when I was alone with myself.

It’s easy to get distracted from any activity, be it eating, watching a movie, writing, reading, or even jogging when there are constant dings and buzzes within your pocket. I found myself enjoying these regular activities on a much deeper level because I was actively committed to them without constant interruption. It was like my brain was reaching that deeper level of REM during consciousness.

As a result I found myself having more meaningful movie watching experience, better writing, more focused exercising, and deeper reading, and more resolute prayer time. It made me want to vomit realizing how distracted I was during the day.

Need

It’s very important for human beings to feel they are popular and well-liked amongst a large group of people that they have no interest in.

Jerry Seinfeld

I know what it is like to feel abandoned and friendless. Despite the fact that it hasn’t been the case for over a decade, this month helped me realize that I still hold those scars. I think my addiction to social media stems from that place of hurt- a fear that I am unwanted.

So when I go and see what others are doing, I can feel like I’m part of the action. When I post something funny to Twitter, I can get validation in the form of digital hearts. And when I post something new to my Snap story or Instagram I can prove to the world that I’m not that friendless seventh grader anymore.

Here’s the catch, the world doesn’t care. It’s moved on. Even though I’ve made great attempts to process that within the past decade, I think social media is my subconscious way of protecting my conscious self from ever becoming that kid again. If I feel validation I don’t feel like that 7th grader and if that instant validation is gone I might feel those pangs resurge.

And it doesn’t matter who it comes from, even if it’s someone who I haven’t seen in ten years or spoken to in the last five. And it’s a selfish desire because, as Mr. Seinfeld put it, I don’t have that same interest in them. Social Media is dangerous because I often view it as a one way street, a yuppy like platform where I can take and take and take. The true danger is that sometimes that need supersedes the need of the moment. So even if I’m in the middle of hanging out with friends I still feel that pull for external validation. I’m like a ravenous shark, floundering if I don’t keep moving forward in pursuit of further sustenance. And when social media was removed I found myself breathing in the sights and sounds of the ocean as if for the first time.

Denouement

I wouldn’t be able to have realized these things without a month removed from the poison that can be social media. By extracting the access to such a corrosive substance I provided myself a space with which to examine and better understand both it and myself.

It’s been incredibly refreshing to start the day not rolling to my side and browsing social media for five minutes, but instead jumping straight into Bible study, prayer, and reflection. It’s been productive to sit down to a task, especially writing, and complete it with clear thoughts and minimal distraction. It’s been great to be present with family and friends and to be unshackled from fear of missing out or the syphon of external validation.

I’m not saying that I’ve mastered this addiction or that it’ll never gain another foothold. I slipped up a few times this month when it came to Twitter and Facebook. However, now I’ve seen behind the curtain. I understand what drives me towards it and because of that I am much better equipped to engage with it in a healthy way.

Social Media can be a tremendous place for engagement, both personally and professionally. I intend to use it as such. But it has lost its place as source of self-validation, and if it seeks to resume its position I no longer have strong reservations against going ahead without it.